Into the Night
by Carleen
Summary: A what if story, which begins the night after the episode "Amok Time"


TITLE: Into the Night

CHAPTER: Complete

LOCATION: USS Enterprise. Post "Amoke Time" episode.

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><p>AN: This was my first attempt at fan fiction. It was originally published in "As I Do Thee." MKASHEF Enterprises, copyright 1992.<p>

I tried not to change the original writing. It was written, like "Rain Wine" and "Tenants of the Heart" by a thirty-something woman in a very different place in her life. This first attempt was written very much in the "Jane Austen" style of writing. Which is to say, I kept it hidden! I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Warning, it's so sweet and fluffy, it might make your teeth ache 8-)

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><p>The hot desert sun burned into his open eyes. He felt the scorching sand clinging to the sweat on this back. The woven strap tightened again and his mouth opened in a silent scream. Paralyzed arms attempted to defend against an irresistible strength. As his life drained away, he wondered with profound sadness how this had happened. <em>Spock! You're killing me.<em>

Jim woke with a gasp and flung himself up from his narrow bunk. Instinctively his hands flew to his neck. In the dream, Spock had been choking his captain with an ahn-woon, a deadly Vulcan weapon. Murder lingered in Spock's eyes. It was the same look of burning hatred that Kirk saw written on Spock's face the previous afternoon, when the two had locked in mortal combat together on the sands of Vulcan.

Captain Kirk rested his head in his hands and attempted to gather his thoughts. Yesterday had been one hell of a day. The bridge crew was astonished to hear Mister Spock announced that the woman on the view screen was his wife. Then what should have a day of celebration turned into one of deceit and betrayal, ending with Doctor McCoy staging Kirk's death with the aid of an injection. At first, Spock hadn't understood. Later after the fever had left him, he could see only that he had murdered his captain, the one being who knew and accepted him for the individual he was.

"Hell." Kirk said, aloud, slapping the mattress with his hand. But to himself, he thought, Yes, I understand Spock. The demons, the ghosts the passions which made him the complex person he is. Spock is closer to me than any person I have known in my adult life. Kirk leaned back against the headboard and allowed his thoughts to follow along that course. Alone in his cabin, Kirk admitted to himself that the relationship he enjoyed with his first officer was more stable and nurturing than any of his past liaisons with women. He smiled to himself, as the thought of all the perils, and the adventures, the joys and sorrow he had experienced with Spock. But, above all, there was the companionship. Spock had been at his side constantly, silently offering solace and support in times of need. And, Kirk smiled, he is a worthy chess opponent.

As Kirk sat thinking of Spock, remembering the wonderful smile on the Vulcan's face when he'd seen his captain alive and well, something began to tug at his mind. Kirk silenced his thoughts and closed his eyes. Nothing at first, then feelings of great sadness welled up. Loss, anguish and failure filled Kirk's mind and stung his eyes. He shook his head to clear it. What the hell is going on? He wondered. He searched out the source of those emotions, and it came to him at that moment…. Spock!

Kirk rose from his bunk and pulled on a pair of jeans. Padding silently on bare feet, Kirk moved toward the door adjoining their cabins, understanding dawning on him. Spock had left Vulcan to follow his own destiny. But the Pon Farr had been the link which had tied Spock to his cultural identity as nothing else could. Spock might be a Starfleet officer, but he was a Vulcan first, Kirk realized. As a Vulcan, he was driven to mate with someone of his own kind. The failure to do so had left him with no where left to turn.

Kirk stopped short of the door. What was he doing? Opening the door to their shared, bathroom, he stepped and in a peered at his reflection in the mirror. I'm not exactly dressed for a visit and Spock is probably asleep, he thought.

Looking inward for a reason to see Spock, he could only think of his desire to comfort a friend. Kirk wanted to assure Spock he was a loved and valued. He would tell him, or show him if necessary. But Kirk was determined to ease his friend's grief.

Kirk stepped into Vulcan's quarters and allowed the door to slip shut behind him. Kirk's gaze was drawn to the flames of the Vulcan sharing, the single source of illumination in the room by the dimness of the firelight he saw the Vulcan seated on the floor. In a loose robe and bare foot, Spock's back was against the foot of his bed. Cradled in his long fingers was a half empty bottle of brandy.

Kirk stood still and silent as Spock's head turned toward d him. The he saw the Vulcan's eyes. They were filled with the pain of loss. Kirk's heart swelled in response. Oh, Spock, I can't give you Vulcan, he thought. What can I do to remove that look from your eyes? Spock looked up in Kirk's face and held them fast for several seconds, causing the human's heart to jump in his chest. He could see in those familiar eyes the depth of his friend's pain. He experienced and overwhelming desire to give Spock enough love to take that pain away.

Kirk sat down on the end of the neat bunk and reached out a trembling right hand to warmly grasp Spock's shoulder. Remembering that Vulcans did not like to be touched, he watched for his friend's reaction. Only when Spock began to relax did he add his other hand to Spock's left shoulder and begin to massage the stiff shoulders.

The Vulcan had been striving for intoxication, but his body detoxified the brandy so efficiently that he was about to give up trying. He wished he could control his emotional state as ably. The Vulcan part of his brain kept reminding him the marriage to T'Pring was illogical. Life with her was not a reality he had ever come to terms with, which is why he had waited for the Pon Farr, hoping that his human half would spare him the inevitable surrender of his private self.

Kirk's voice broke through his thoughts. "Spock? Let me help."

Spock, still vulnerable from the events the previous day, could not shield his thoughts from Kirk's concerned inquiries, nor could he resist the strong, comforting hands of his captain. Spock sighed deeply and sagged against the bed. Abruptly, he straightened and in a whisper began to speak. Kirk stilled his hands and prepared himself to listen to whatever his friend had to say.

"To marry her was not logical. My career would have kept us apart for months or years. She gave me nothing from the link we shared. She should have been there, in my mind, welcoming me with solace from the turmoil of the plaktow. She was the one link to my Vulcan heritage. Now I have failed in even that part of my life," Spock said, shaking his head sadly.

Kirk decided he'd heard enough. "Look at me." He ordered. You can't beat yourself up for a decision that was made for you years ago. You chose your own path. She apparently didn't want you and I know you didn't want her. He added softly, The only mistake you made was in not breaking the link years ago."

Spock looked up at him and raised an eyebrow, which caused Kirk to grin down at his friend, in a tone more similar to his normal voice, Spock said, "Humans have the greatest gift of understatement in the Universe."

In one motion, Spock rose and moved to stand in front of the flames. Kirk also rose, but moved no closer to his first officer.

Over his shoulder, his low-pitched voice filling the room, Spock said, "But… is there … no one for me?"

Kirk felt his heart breaking: the pain made his knees unstable. He slowly moved to stand behind Spock. Reaching out again he placed a hand on the other's arm. He pulled Spock around and looked up into his eyes, allowing his heart to speak, "I am here… my friend."

"Yes, you are here. Here when I need you. I didn't know that I needed you… did not realize I had awakened you."

"It's alright, Spock. Kirk said, shaking his head, I was having a bad dream anyway."

"A dream about yesterday?"

"Yes," The human looked away...

Spock reached out to touch the bruises on Kirk's neck. "Forgive me. I would never wish to cause…"

Kirk pulled on Spock's arms and embraced his first officer. Whatever Spock was going to say was lost in the sob escaping from his soul. The Vulcan tried to pull away but Kirk held on, whispering words of warmth and acceptance.

Finally, Spock surrendered to the sensations flowing from the human's mind and body.

After a time, the emotions spent, Spock relaxed and with a deep breath drew slightly away to look into Kirk's shining hazel eyes. "Jim," Spock stated simply. Dark hidden eyes drew in the love and compassion they saw in the familiar contours of Kirk's face.

Kirk reached up to smooth the wetness from the Vulcan's cheeks and smiled into those dark eyes. "Do you think you could get some sleep now?"

Spock nodded in affirmation. He turned toward the bed with Kirk behind him, slipping off the robe and sliding under the light covers. Kirk sat down and pulled the sheet around his first officer, his hands straying for a moment to Spock's bare shoulders. He seems to vulnerable, Kirk thought, so alone.

"'Night, Spock." Kirk smiled and turned to go.

But the dark eyes caught him again and warm hands reached and stayed him with the strength born of need. Kirk hesitated. What he is asking for? He wondered, suddenly confused. His heart began to pound has he yielded to the pull of the warm hands

"Please Jim, stay for a while"

"But, Spock?"

The Vulcan moved over to make room from him. "I can find no logical path for my thoughts tonight. I see only you, a human offering me what I could not gain from my culture. Stay?"

Kirk found himself unable to deny his friend. He hesitantly slipped off his pants and stretched out on the narrow bunk. Much to Kirk's surprise, Spock settled quickly to sleep.

Kirk discovered that he was not very sleepy. Unexpectedly, he found himself becoming aroused. Instead of falling asleep, Kirk became aware of the heat emanating from the Vulcan body nestled so closely to his own. He forced himself to ignore his own physiological reaction to the situation. If Spock wanted him to stay, he would stay. I'll stay until he's asleep and then go, he thought. But soon the flickering fire of the shrine soon lulled him to sleep.

Long after the flame had died and the room was quite dark and warm. Kirk awoke feeling disoriented, but quickly became aware that Spock's head was on his chest and his erect penis rested in Spock's fervent hand.

What the...? He shifted to ease the pressure of Spock's hand. But the Vulcan only moved closer. Kirk found himself repressing a groan as Spock's hand swept across his groin. Then Spock was awake and suddenly very still as he too became aware of the situation. Kirk nearly shuddered in response to Spock's physical presence. He had not imagined that last night would lead to this and much to his surprise he found his body responding.

"Captain?"

Kirk reached out and silenced him with his fingers.

"Don't Spock." He didn't want Spock to let go of him but he didn't know how to react. This was his first officer and his friend, not a casual pick up and certainly not a female. Kirk decided to get out of the bed and turned to Spock to explain or apologize.

But as he turned Spock's arms closed around his body and he turned his face against Kirk's neck. Sliding his hand down over the now throbbing erection between them. Kirk gasped, at the renewed contact, as it ignited his body. His hips began to respond helplessly to the motion of Spock's hand.

Spock rose up to look at the human's face but the darkness was complete. Then Spock felt a hand on his face and a cool mouth seeking his out. Spock allowed himself to be drawn into the kiss, instinctively savoring the taste of the man beneath him. Kirk consumed each small surrendering of Spock's lips pulling the Vulcan ever deeper into the swirl of tongues and hungry mouths.

Kirk surrendered to the experience of the strong fingers playing over his body. He found himself exalted in the knowledge that it was Spock loving him. He would remember later that nothing in his memory could compare to this moment of triumph and passion. The two men wrapped together in an embrace that was the climax of their years of friendship and commitment.

Spock lost himself in the moment. Never before had been free to give his passion physical expression without the inhibitions of his culture. Though he was free to feel the sensations rushing through his aroused body, a moment of doubt caught at him.

"Jim?"

Spock sought out Kirk's presence in his mind. Sending his question through the meld and felt Kirk's body shudder at the shock of their mind's meeting.

Kirk knew Spock's question and tried to answer, but the combined physical and mental contact was too much. He seized Spock in his arms and reached a shattering climax which left him trembling. Spock returned the embrace and held him until Kirk's breathing slowed. Spock looked down and noted that Kirk's face was hidden against his chest. He pulled him closer, his fingertips acknowledging the strength of the muscular back the broad shoulders the soft hair and the human face, now rubbing against his chest.

Now Kirk became aware of Spock's arousal. The meld enable him to feel Spock's rigid penis as if it were his own. Again, Kirk lost control to the sensations he and Spock were creating. There was something else present in the meld, a terrible need for release. The ritual of the pon farr had not reached its natural conclusion for Spock and now the Vulcan was straining against Kirk asking for release, reaching for him with his hands.

Again, Kirk could not deny him. He rose up and covered Spock's body with his own. He explored his old love with his mouth and his hands. He smiled to himself when he heard Spock groan, hearing his friend whispering in a language that didn't make sense to him until he realized the words were Vulcan. Spock grabbed Kirk's head with his hands as he was nuzzled and captured by the human's soft, cool mouth. Then the Vulcan's fingers twisted into Kirk's hair as Spock arched his back. Kirk responded to Spocks hands and followed the vulcan's movements, until he heard Spock shout his name. Spock shuddered to a climax as emptied himself into the human's mouth.

Slowly, Spock became aware of Kirk's head resting on his thigh and arms circled around his legs. Spock knew this moment would stay in his memory forever. He had never before felt so alive and so at peace with himself. Spock wanted to discuss this with Kirk and he reached down to pull him into an embrace but the human moved away. Spock watched him leave the bed and head for the bathroom. When Kirk returned he sat down on the edge of the bed and stared into the darkness.

"Jim?"

When he did not answer, Spock that perhaps Kirk needed silence now. He rose out of bed and headed to the bathroom for a quick shower. He thought this would give them time to examine their reactions to the events of the night. However, as Spock reentered the room he heard the hiss of the door: Kirk was gone.

Spock looked toward the door for a long moment. As he turned toward the bed and noticed Kirk's clothes were gone. The familiar loneliness seeped back into his consciousness. Seeking answers to Kirk's unexpected departure, head bowed, he crossed over to this meditation chair, but his knees buckled and he found himself kneeling on the deck.

Logic and human emotion battled in his mind. He thought he'd understood that it was time to give and share the love which he had been holding back for so long. What had gone wrong? Spock clenched his hands together and fought for understanding. How _foolishly_ _human_ of me to give in to passion, he thought.

"I am a Vulcan," he whispered into the darkness. Once again, rebuilding the walls, as a solitary tear traced a scar down his cheek and slowly splashed on his hands.

Captain James T. Kirk had quickly returned to his quarters and charged into a uniform. After wandering aimlessly and ignoring the 'good morning' greetings of his crew members, he finally found sanctuary in the observation deck. Gazing at the stars that always brought him such comfort.

He inhaled deeply, attempting to relax. But his third breath caught in his chest and his heart thumped as the memories of the night returned.

"What have I done? I am a man. Not… Not a... Damn!"

Around and around thoughts twisted in his mind, tormenting him. He imposed a tentative control over his mind and thought back to what had happened.

Spock's mind had called out to him in the night and he had answered with his heart and then with passion._Passion? Spock?_ Was this the love which had been absent from his life. He admitted to himself last night that Spock was a stable and nurturing presence in his life. Was the physical passion that awakened a natural extension of their unique relationship? In his mind the sensations of the night returned. He was surprised at the strength of his response to Spock. He was aware that he had drunk of Spock's body as if he were a man lost in the desert. He had to admit to himself the wonderful delight he'd taken in giving Spock pleasure. He had given physical expression to the love he felt for his friend for many years.

Is it as simple as that, he wondered? They had simply loved each other? A physical expression of just one of the many facets of their long relationship. Acknowledgement of his emotions and an understanding of his motivations calmed him and filled him with purpose. Kirk stood up straightened his uniform and headed for the exit.

What must Spock think? I walked out on him, he thought. He hurried down the corridor eager to see Spock and talk to him. The certainty of his course strengthened with every stride. He had thrown away love before, not his time, not Spock.

The door to the Vulcan's quarters sighed as it opened. But the sight of Spock kneeling stopped him. Slowly he walked toward his first officer. The Vulcan opened his eyes and watched Kirk cross the room. Kirk covered Spock's clasped hands with his own. Human eyes held the Vulcan's haunted look. A long moment past as they watched each other, measuring and questioning. Emotion's flowed between them.

Kirk understood.

Spock turned his hands to grasp the human fingers.

Finally, Kirk said in a clear voice, "You know I love you, don't you?"


End file.
